Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
