The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
