Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
