Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
