Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
