well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
