I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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