It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
