I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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