the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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