I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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