Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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