There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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