If that was your dad, he is hot
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
