hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
