the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
me + whiskey = a bad person
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
