arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Send help, water and tortillas.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize