I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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