Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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