first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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