you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
