Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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