she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I want to fling myself into the sun
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
