Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
