my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
