U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
