I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
