first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
