I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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