i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
