my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
