I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
