Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
