Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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