My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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