Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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