I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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