im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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