are you still at the devil's house?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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