his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
