I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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