He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
