The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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