i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
