What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
