I just threw up on my dentist
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
