Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
