this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
