wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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