We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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