This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
