I wish I could punch you in the face.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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