No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
