Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
