That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
