bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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