So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
