when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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