Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
