so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
