bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
