I wish I could teleport
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
